I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
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I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person