Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
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Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
That’s it.I’m out.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
So we got a goldfish…
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
this will hang in the louvre one day
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
bro what is going on at twitter