If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
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Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.