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Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.