Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
The best shot in the history of golf
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Haha good job!!
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[loses house key, starts a new life]
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!