Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
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I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda