Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
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My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”