Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
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These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
How animals would run if they were human
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”