* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
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very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.