I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
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To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…