Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
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Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.