“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
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My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.