They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
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Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?