You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
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Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Note to self: always read the final line
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute