Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
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HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.