I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
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What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”