“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
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Life hack
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
i hope my email finds you on fire
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I don’t think my car can fly
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me