I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
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Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Miscakes
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you