That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
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<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
January is lasting longer than my marriage
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*