Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
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[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Would you wear it?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?