One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
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As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.