*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
You Might Also Like
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
🏙👨🏼
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…