I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
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“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders