6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
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The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Good news
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.