Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
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“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”