Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
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[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
☺️
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely