Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
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Why font matters.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine