Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.