We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
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When does CPR become necrophilia?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?