Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
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[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
good for her
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao