Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
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Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Potatoes were such a good idea
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP