I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow