I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
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The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT