After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
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*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Somebody’s lying.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.