[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
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I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
#have a #great #PancakeDay
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.