“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
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If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
The cashier just checked me out.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”