Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
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I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.