If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
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“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.