If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
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a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
what
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke