Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
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Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
me: my friends:
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.