I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.