A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
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During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website