[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
when you are just born a rebel
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos