My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
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The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Noted.