WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
You Might Also Like
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car