Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
the #horror is real!
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”