Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
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I’m pretty like a car crash.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.