If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.