Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..