guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
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famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.